The English language works in mysterious ways and while I write this I find myself wondering how big a part the language we use plays into our mental health. For the last 12 months I have been trying to balance selfish and selfless; one is defined as caring only for oneself and the other as putting others needs above your own, regardless of the consequences to yourself.
You don’t need me to tell you which of these words has the negative connotations, which will make peoples toes curl if they are described as it and the other is the kind you hear in eulogy’s, from gushing partners and proud parents. The problem with this is, being selfless can often come with a personal impact; especially when it comes to mental health.
When I’m asked what I suffer with when it comes to my mental health I often respond with depression, I never really recognise anxiety, but the truth is I get extremely anxious when it comes to spending time with large groups of people/at events. The strange part of this is that it’s not people I don’t know that I get anxious of –quite the opposite. People I know well/large groups of friends are my worst nightmare. In the run up to events I dread them and then during the entire event. But where does this fit into being selfish? I’ve started to say no, for my own mental health I decline evenings/activities with friends, I have removed people from my life that whilst I love them dearly, have a huge impact on my personal happiness and for me. It’s helped me manage my depression in such a way that allowed to me to come off anti-depressants and does help to keep anxiety at bay.
For me personally, sometimes being selfish is OK.
You’re amazing thanks for your honesty and for sharing your story x
What a lovely kind comment, thank you so much ♥️
Oh Beth this resonates so so clearly with me. I had what I later came to realise was a breakdown around this time back in 2010. I don’t know what triggered it but I remember being at work alone one evening trying to change the ink cartridges on the printer, something I’d done a million times before. I just couldn’t do it. My hands started shaking and then I started crying and I knew at that precise moment hat I had to go home immediately or I never would have got there. For the next few months I clung to Pete like a limpet (again, not my style as I’m always super independent) and had to force myself to go to work and get through other commitments. It was horrendous and I spent so much time curled up on the floor in a ball crying at home that I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to see friends or family but felt all these overwhelming obligations and that I’d be letting people down. I’m so glad for you that you’ve realised you need to preserve yourself first and foremost, and that is the most important thing. Lots of love and thank you for making sure we all keep talking about mental health xxx
Thank you for being so honest Lins – I know you’re an amazing advocate for mental health. I think the hardest thing for me about it is what it does to your personality and you can feel it happening around you but on your own it’s so difficult to do anything about! I hope you have a lovely Monday and thank you ♥️♥️
Thank you for writing about this Beth. It’s so important to get these discussions out there. There are many things I would love to be different but perhaps the biggest I feel, is the issue about how schools handle anxiety which in my experience is very, very mixed. When some schools are driving a tough line on pupil attendance, this can actually increase pupil anxiety and doesn’t help anyone. So this is a plea for schools to learn more, to seek to understand and support when there isn’t a visual sign of health issues or illness.
Alison X
Thank you so much Alison and for being so kind! There is so much still which needs to be done for schools and in the work place with mental health and whilst there have been huge advances made we all still have such a long way to go xx
Beth this is brilliant. So succinct but so powerful. It’s true – the anxiety can be crippling and you can feel paralysed by it. I hate letting people down and if I’ve said ‘yes’ to something I like to keep true to my word, so prioritising myself sometimes is really hard. It’s so important though. True friends etc will stick around despite this! Xx
Thank you so much Lydia and for being so honest too, true friends absolutely will – you’re so spot on with that xx
Amazing to hear someone be so honest about what it’s like to constantly try and maintain some kind of social life (because you want to) but faced with the dread and nerves and worries about feeling anxious on the day. It’s a bloody battle, but one made easier knowing you’re not alone – thanks Beth xx
thank you so much, it’s a strange thing to say but I think “Misery loves company” always springs to mind, it’s not nice to know others have the same worries but nice to know you are not alone and feel more normalized with the way you deal with things? I’m possibly rambling but I hope that makes sense! thank you so much for your lovely kind words xxx
Oh Beth you are definitely doing the right thing …I panic over meet ups and feel bad avoiding them but I’m trying to learn how to say no, thank you so much for sharing I don’t feel such a fool now knowing I’m not the only one 😘